"Pass"

In case you're wondering, i'm not eric. I was simply the body rented out by eric during his excursion to the left coast in order to have a free place to stay and a free tour guide. Quite the unpaid prostitute am i.
I feel honored to be guest posting on this here blog, and i will attempt to do my best to keep up the rich tradition that is the midweekpost. And by rich tradition, of course i mean, random posting and strangeness. (Oh, and feel free to visit my blog anytime, hilarity will ensue, i guarantee, or eric will pay you back)

Anyway, back to the post. "Pass." The word is so simple.

A definition of pass, as indicated by the merriam-webster dictionary lists:

1. v. to move in a path so as to approach and continue beyond something

Ah, it's so simple it hurts, much like the feeling you get after you slide down the metal burger king slide after it's been baking in the sun for only around 6 hours.

2. v. to emit or discharge from a bodily part and especially the bowels

That definition was too hilarious to pass up. Don't worry loyal reader, everything will become clear soon enough.

Along the long adventure to los angeles, eric and i had many many fun times, and of those, the vegas trip was undoubtedly the culmination of a week of craziness. (Editor: and epitome of sleep deprivation) And with myself having the problem gambler's phone number on speed dial, will focus my post on what happened during the desert leg of our trip (for those wondering why i called las vegas the desert but not l.a., shut it. no seriously, l.a. is considered semi-arid so :P).

We arrived in las vegas at a time at night that i believe is technically considered the daytime to the posh trappings of the bellagio hotel and casino. Bellagio, for those of you who don't know, is italian for expensive. The room was expensive, the mini bar, well, you know, the food was expensive, the prostitutes were expensive (Ed: keep reading please), and worst of all, the gambling was expensive.
Soon, we found ourselves, against our bodys' better judgement to sleep, going out in search of a slower way to throw away our money.

I know you're thinking, "man, this guy's writing sucks" but for the sake of argument, i'll pretend like you're thinking "what about 'pass'?" Well my friend, now it all comes to a head.
As you'll recall from your unbelieveable reading comprehension and retention, i mentioned that the prostitutes at the bellagio, while thoroughly attractive (although a certain someone felt that perhaps the girls that i was pointing out were in fact not "working girls" but i know better (Ed: Jon is thorougly convinced that every attractive girl in Las Vegas is a 'working girl'. Pah!), having used their servic... er... i just know better don't ask how), they were quite expensive. In our quest for cheap gambling, we happened to stumble on what can politely be described as "bargain basement, last chance, going out of business sale" prostitutes. Now, don't get me wrong, i love prostitutes as much as the next guy, but the only two that propositioned us during our trip had the combined weight of a volvo... a big one. Okay, so 80% of the weight came from the one wearing approximately 19 yards of fabric but still looked as if she shopped at the garden of eden gift shop (very revealing, in the not so good way). (Ed: The girl was two threads away from being in the buff)

I was speechless to say the least, i didn't know what to say, which by the way, is what speechless means. So, i, being the great quick-thinker that i am, simply continued to walk by when we were propositioned, but the next part... genious. Here now i shall list a transcript of said events.

Girl: Hey guys
Eric (as enthusiastically as someone who has just been given 2 minutes to live): hey.
Girl: You guys here to party?
Eric: Um, yeah
Girl: You guys want to party with us?
Eric (and here comes the magic word...): pass

Genious i tell you, genious! I, trying to supress a laugh, had to continue walking if for no other reason than to try to escape the gravitational pull of the first girl.

The word "pass" is just as good when it's implied. Walking back to the bellagio (after the sun came up, and hung out for awhile), we passed through the ritzy shopping area, when we passed two quite frankly very attractive prostitues (once again, someone didn't believe that they were prostitutes, but they were...), (Ed: Erroneous!)looking completely past me and commenting straight at the owner of this blog "you're hot" at which point, mr yang decided to continue walking without missing a beat, or uttering a word. Wow.

Just in case you guys didn't know, mr yang, is a pimp. (Ed: False, flattering, bunk) And of course by pimp, i mean, rejects women without a second thought, something that i wish i could do.
I, on the other hand, am so enthralled by any female presence that even acknowledges my presence, that i become unable to do anything but do what can only be described as the "murder-stare." Hopefully i shall learn sooner or later. (Ed: Sure... that's why they're always calling you right? 'Rolla!)

And now, i bring you, a staple of my blog, and an introduction into this blog, the Mitch Hedberg Quote of the Day:

My lucky number is 4 billion. It doesn't really come in handy when gambling though. "Come on 4 billion. F*&%, 7. I'm gonna need more dice. At least 4 billion divided by 6"

Hiya. My friend Jon S. is going to be posting sometime in the near future. Possibly this evening thereby warrenting an introduction. He is the proud owner/writer of F.A.B.O.T. and a good friend of mine. By way of travels he is actually my crony and partner in crime during my Los Angeles/Las Vegas endeavor. He's going to be the 2nd guest poster, the 1st being Mr. Will Acker, on the midweekpost and I'm proud to introduce him to you. Frankly I find all this introduction nonsense to be crap and cheeseballish but it's an introduction nonetheless...

I find his depricating humor hilarious and I'm sure you will too. I haven't the nariest of ideas as to what he plans to write about but I'm sure it'll make some entertaining Wednesday (EVERYDAY NOW bub) reading.

Bee Tee Dubya (BTW) - I'm always looking for some humorous writers so feel free to send me something if you want to post. I'm all about it. Plus, that gives me more time to waste away watching the West Wing.

Here's a pic of Jon - yes, from the set of that movie.



And here's what I looked like after the director asked me to be in the movie

Saturday 7pm-ish EST.

I’m flying back from Los Angeles and writing this post 20,000 (or is it 40k?) feet above sea level in my slightly cramped azure hued (p)leather Independence Air seat. I’ll probably be getting around to posting this thing sometime Monday or so… It is nearing the conclusion of my latest sojoun. I must live for these things because they’re never anything less than extraordinarily absent of all things sleep or rest related… my upcoming trip/photography excursion to Prague, Czech Republic will surely be no exception. That is, if I can still get my tickets for a reasonable price tomorrow. Last I checked they were closing in around a cool grand and this boy’s running out of “da dolla’s” with much gusto.

I’m sporting a two and a half day old 5 o’clock shadow and find myself the victim of a sartorial conundrum. Let me lay it out for you: suit jacket over a cotton jersey and shorts topped with a nice khaki Land Rover visor. It’s spectacularly odd. In conjunction with my budding fu-man-chu it’s a sight to be seen. No pictures please.

Regardless, I had a splendid time eating (read: gorging) myself on myriad eateries the greater Los Angeles county and city of Las Vegas had to offer. Las Vegas you say? Yes, I squeezed in a Vegas trip there at the end and it was brilliant.

Let’s go over some of the trip highlights. First and foremost, the eateries:

The Food:
Tofu House - the brainchild of Korean food meeting Waffle House.
Pollo de Loco - catered and tasty, evidently their commercials are wretchedly annoying.
Park’s BBQ - my friend’s aunt’s restaurant – Kobe beef prepared a la carte, at the table.
Whisper Lounge - a posh 30 seat semi open-air venue replete with black Rolls Royce Phantom parked in front picking up what I believed to be some type of drug lord – his driver was a scary fellow by the name of Guido, I’m sure.
The Counter - made to order burgers, literally. You get this check sheet with approx 50 choices on it. I had a 1/3 pounder topped with bleu cheese grilled red onions and spicy cream cheese on a Kaiser roll. GQ magazine listed this as one of the 25 places you have to eat before you die.
24 hour Korean soup house, of which name I cannot recall.
Asia De Cuba - a celebrity spotting venue . Asian & Cuban fusion. I had some 30 dollar sandwich that was out of this world. One of the American Idol judges was there - I already forgot his name.
Bar Marmont - NYC bar all the way, only difference is it’s in LA.
Charlie Kebabs - food court style without the food court insipidness.
Koo Ca Roo - think KFC meets Salsarita’s meets Panera Bread.
In-n-Out – the opposite of The Counter in many respects but delectable in its own burger-licious right. There are all of 4 items on their menu – and that’s all they need.
The Buffet @ the Bellagio the antithesis of simplicity, but where else can you play Keno while noshing on your self plated masterpiece of prawn, leg of lamb, and bok-choy?

The City & Accommodations:
LA, feels to me, like a colossal version of my hometown, Knoxville, TN. It suffers from uber-sprawl but manages to do so stylishly I might add. It took no less than 34 minutes to fly over the city. I think it takes about 2.5 seconds to fly over Knoxville. Did you know that West Hollywood is actually a city? I had no clue! And there’s a couple baker’s dozen of these places (e.g. Santa Monica, Brentwood, Beverly Hills, etc) that make up what I’ve come to know as the greater Los Angeles county.

I bunked at my friend Jon’s condominium in the Marina Del Ray area. It’s a marina in Los Angeles, I’ll just leave it at that. As for my friend’s condo? Well, it was very impressive replete with bamboo hardwood floors, Bosch appliances, sun drenching floor to ceiling windows, teeming with halogen bulbs, slate floors and those closet organization things you see in catalogs where every item of clothing has it’s own space. I think I’m beginning to sound like a Coldwell Banker agent. I’ll cease.

As for the Las Vegas accommodations, Jon managed to squeeze us into the Super 8 of Las Vegas with complimentary continental breakfast. Just kidding – I was pleasantly surprised (he didn’t tell me where we were staying) when he pulled into the Bellagio to show me the casino and revealed in an ever-so-coy manner, “ah, what the hell – let’s just unload our bags here”. The Bellagio doesn’t joke around. The place is ornate, profligate and somehow ostentatious and tasteful wrapped-up all into one multi thousand roomed casino/resort. I’ll spare you the details except for these noteworthy matters:

1. The Egyptian cotton bathrobes you’re supplied with are steal-worthy. I didn’t because, well… you can’t – Terry Benedict will hunt you down, kill you then go to work on you (nod at Ocean’s Eleven)
2. We were in room 28021. How’s that for a room number? Not to mention it was in the “West Wing”, and well… I found that amusing being a West Wing fan.
3. I actually never gambled at the Bellagio because the wagers and antes were always too high. Nevertheless, I did play one slot machine in honor of my friend Brian. Here’s the story: I inserted the quarter. The machine didn’t acknowledge that I had provided it 25 cents. I walked-away disheartened. The house won.
4. A lot of people walking around the Bellagio are attractive, wait no… they’re stunning and dressed appropriately so. We were approached a couple of times by those of the opposite gender enjoying the thrills of Las Vegas. However, I feel that perhaps our suited and heavily primped manifestations were providing a slight visual misrepresentation as to the depths of our bank accounts. Oh well, it was fun nonetheless – and tempting. But we remained stolid to the female lure and chose to squander our money in a different manner. A la Craps.
5. We only used our room for approximately 5 hours (9am to 2pm?) making it one of the priciest 300 minute stays at any venue.

Anyway, to make a short story even shorter, we played a lot of Craps and squeezed in more hours of poker than we should have. In fiscal terms (and who doesn’t when they’re going to Vegas) I was up $500 or so at one point but after midnight of the second day I was netting about $200... in the red. Oh well, at least my friend and I got free coffees out of his comps. I could care less because I had one hell of a good time.

I’m going to cut this post short because I need to hit the sack. Oh, and I'll get some pix up soon.

In summary: I heart Los Angeles.


Who would've thunk that buffet food could be so tasty.